..but without a mother. This is the first mother's day as well..all I want to do is curl in a ball, take some things, and sleep forever. I won't because I know it'd hurt so many people, but I can't help feeling that urge, you know? On top of it, my father hasn't contacted me in almost a month now..it's like both my parents abandoned me. It's strange. I feel numb today. I hardly feel anything today though every once in a while a tear falls down. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get worse though..as much as I'd like to pretend I'm okay, I know I'm not. I'm lucky to have good people in my life. They keep me that last bit grounded so I don't fall. But even so...it's difficult to not fall, or at least stumble. I know I'm not myself anymore. I don't like being around people as much, I don't laugh as much as I used to, I'm not even as sensual as I used to be. All I seem to want to do is sleep, or sit there. lol Who knows? Maybe if I'm lucky I'll start wasting away and lose some of this godawful weight. I'm tired of being such a fat ass. I'm tired of always hating my body. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change or if I'll always be stuck in a rut pathetically loathing myself. *shrugs* I'm not really making much sense anymore. My mind's been wandering. I think it went out the door a few months ago and just kept walking. I wonder where it's going and if it wants to come back lol. Anyways, if you actually took the time to read all this BS, you're either really bored or you truly do care about me. Either way, I thank you for it and love you all the more.

Ilia